I'm taking a moment to just sit. The last few weeks have been a blur of busyness and 6am starts. Yesterday I logged 10 hours at the loom, weaving until my eyes were blurry with tiredness. Now I'm looking at the loom with fresh eyes and a cup of strong coffee. I have one more rug left to weave.
I'm thinking about all the previous times when I've worked this hard. All day every day in the studio, living off microwaved soup, only going home to sleep, cancelling plans and missing parties. In these times I would always feel a rising sense of hopelessness at the mountain of work I'd set for myself. There was always so much and not enough time.
I would always power through it- brew me another gallon of coffee! Plenty of time to sleep in the grave!
And I would always make it, just about.
This time has been different and at first I couldn't figure out why, but here it is; now- I actually know what I'm doing.
Before I always felt like an amateur, an art student still. I didn't really have a clue, and I was covering up the panic with bravado. And I didn't truly have confidence in my work so I would go as big and ambitious as possible in the hope that that would be "enough"- but it never was. Of course that only made things worse- set an impossible target, fail to meet it, feel even more like a fraud.
It's so blindingly obvious, but if you do something often enough, for long enough,
eventually you'll find that you DO know what you're doing.
Now I don't set impossible targets, because I don't need to "prove" anything. At every step I can say "am I pushing myself too hard? Do I have enough time?" and I can take a step back because I know that what I've made so far is good.
This is kind of an over-sharing ramble, but I really wish someone had sat me down and told me this when I was starting out. If you're learning and growing in this season of your life, KEEP GOING! It gets better, and you'll get better. The things you find hard now will get easier. As a very wise friend of mine once told me: keep on trucking.
posted on 14th September 2016
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